Super Bowl XLII. The Patriots. The Giants. I wish I could enjoy this historic game, but alas, I cannot because I am haunted by an individual I hate with all my heart. Sorry, my black baboon heart. This creature I abhor is known as Mel Kiper Jr., an enemy of the people. With the NFL season reaching its conclusion tomorrow, I should be looking forward to one of my favorite times of the year, which is late April and the NFL Draft. Unfortunately, this won’t be the case because a plague, a cancer, an unstoppable rebel force is just waiting to ruin the entire experience…Kiper.For nearly 25 years, the American sports public has been force fed the muck and mire of one Mel Kiper Jr., a demon spawn and the head honcho of draft coverage for the Four Letter Network. According to their website, Kiper is not merely an analyst, but an “expert analyst”. Erroneous! Kiper is a joke; a used car salesman. The half Count Chocula half Joey Budafuco lookalike is about as handy as a bull in a china shop. To quote the legendary Bill Tobin, former Colts GM and my new hero, “Mel Kiper is a tortoise. In my knowledge of him, he's never even put on a jockstrap, he's never been a player, he's never been a coach, he's never been a scout, he's never been an administrator, and all of a sudden, he's an expert. Mel Kiper has no more credentials to do what he's doing than my neighbor, and my neighbor's a postman and he doesn't even have season tickets to the NFL.” Bill Tobin is an absolute master.
Anyone who looks at Kiper’s track record will see this supposed “draft guru” is nothing more than a chump, a hack. His “Big Board” is laughable. How, pray tell, can players be moving up and down his Top 25? It’s February! All the postseason all-star games are over. Plus underclassmen aren’t even eligible to play in these games so how can they be flip flopping? Even if these games played a factor in Kiper’s rankings, it’s impossible to know for sure given the half-assed nature of the column itself. At no point in the drivel he calls an article is there any mention of how any of these athletes played in their respective bowl games or senior games.
For Christ sake, Sam Baker, the talented tackle from USC, dropped from 7th to 23rd in two weeks. What is said about this plummet? Just that, Sam Baker is an, “Exceptional pass-blocker with superb technique.” That’s it! No elaboration on why the 6-4 310 lb. oxen, who pancaked every Illinois defensive player at least three times in the Rose Bowl, has subsequently fallen from grace. The whole thing makes my stomach churn bile.
Its clear Kiper is neither an expert nor a respectable figure in the sports world. He must be stopped along with the Four Letter Network. This website will be the vaccine for the disease known as Mel Kiper Jr. Goddamn is he ugly inside and out.
