In the words of Caster Troy, "I hate to see you go, but I love to watch ya leave." Goodbye Thabo, goodbye Noc. Johnny Pax delivered when no one thought he would. No, it's not the huge splash some morons out there expected. But no one improved their team at the deadline to the extent the Bulls did.
Brad Miller is back, our favorite pot-smoking, tatoo-wearing, non african american in the league. He's the ideal compliment to Tyrus Thomas. He won't clog up the paint on offense and he'll be a physical presence on defense that will allow Tyrus to roam. Although he can't block shots like Noah, he's bigger and stronger and tougher, not to mention a lot smarter. Hopefully, we'll see a little high-low action between the Miller and Thomas, with Tyrus developing some go-to post moves, including a face-up jumper and a small jump hook.
A few years ago, Krause signed a decrepid, washed up Charles Oakley to "teach" the young big men, Tyson Chandler and Eddy Curry. That backfired. Expect this to be different. I think Tyrus and Joachim will greatly benefit from having a veteran center on the roster, instead of just Aaron Gray and Drew Gooden. Plus his contract is up after next season, the hope being that by then Noah is ready to step in and be the full-time center. And if he isn't, we have only 3 players signed through the 2010 season: Deng, Hinrich, and now John Salmons. We'll assume they'll extend Rose, Thomas, and likely Noah and perhaps Gordon. But they should still have plenty of money left on the table to make a legitimate run at Dwayne Wade and/or Chris Bosh. And if Pax can convince D.Wade in the summer of 2010 to come home and play his prime years in his hometown, running with D. Rose, Deng, and Thomas, then he might convince his friend Chris Bosh to come back down to the states and join him in the Chi.
(Plus, if the rumors are true, and Wade, Bosh, and King James made a pact while in China this past summer that they'll all sign with the same team in 2010, then well... oops, I just got a hard-on. Could you imagine? I mean, I know everyone talks about Lebron going to New York, and yes, he can make more in that city than anywhere else... but Chicago ain't no slouch. And you've got to believe that the team Chicago will have should be better than whatever the Knicks run out there. Could you imagine a starting lineup of Derrick Rose at point, Dwaye Wade at shoot guard, Lebron James at small forward, Tyrus Thomas at power forward, and Chris Bosh at center? I know it seems impossible, but they aren't stupid. They've witnessed how a Big 3 on any team immediately makes that team a title contender. Duncan, Parker, Ginobli. Pierce, KG, Ray Ray. Kobe, Pau, Odom. And if those three ever decided to join forces, as rumors abound they agreed to, they could win 5 or 6 Chips together, minimum.)
Anyway, back to reality. John Salmons is Thabo Sefalosha with a jumper. I really like Thabo, thought he could be a Scottie Pippen-like defender. But you have to be able to at least be a threat on O. And Thabo not only couldn't score, he didn't even look to score. Salmons gives the Bulls a true shooting guard. He's got the right size and ideal game. He can shoot and slash, plus his long arms make him a pest on defense. I didn't watch Sac-town often, but when I did, Salmons usually guarded the opposition's best scorer, even when Artest was still there. D.Wade was probably overjoyed to see Thabo leave his conference. Then when he heard Salmons was coming here, that must've shut him up in a hurry. On top of that, he's cheap. And he'll give us insurance when Lil Ben walks this summer.
Last but not least, welcome back Tim Thomas. He's virtually the same player as Nocioni, only with darker skin and a darker attitude. At least he won't bitch as much as Nocioni did. He played a ton during that one season in Phoenix and had somewhat of a career revolution there. Del Negro remembers that for sure. He'll be able to spot Tyrus at the 4, while at the same time, not demand as many minutes as Noc did.
A few years ago, the Sonics, with Ray Allen and Rashard Lewis, went up against a high-seeded Spurs team, still with David Robinson, in the first round of the playoffs. The game that comes to mind was in Seattle, where the Sonics were defending their home court after losing two in San Antonio. The game was an especially physical one, and the Admiral, never one for enjoying the contact, was getting mauled by Jerome James. The Sonics beat the Spurs in a very close game, with James out-dueling the obviously aging Robinson. James had something like 16 points and 14 rbs and basically beat the crap out of Robinson the whole game. Jim Gray grabbed him as the team was running off the court talking shit as the time expired and tried to do an interview. James was asked a series of generic questions that he turned into a trash talking fest toward Robinson and Duncan. He was saying things like, "At my best, those two guys can't guard me," and, "No way can they come here and beat us." The last question to him was, "Do you respect the Spurs?" to which James replied, "I ain't got NO respek fo' dem!" I hate Jerome James, and if he ever puts a Bulls jersey on and steps foot onto the court in an NBA game, I will kill myself.
Fritz Periwinkle for NBA GM!!!
Alright, it's time. It's time for me to throw myself back into the fray, into the fires of the Mt. Doom that is the NBA trade deadline. My apologies for being away so long. Truth is I've downloaded so much porn that my computer crashed every time I opened up this cursed site. (You all can blame Teagan Presley and Flower Tucci for my absense.) Someone out there doesn't want to hear how a nobody from the Chicago burbs knows how to run an NBA franchise better than every general manager in the league not named Kevin Pritchard or R.C. Buford.
But, anyway, I stopped doing drugs long enough to save up to buy a new laptop. The old cpu had more viruses than Manhattan in the mid-'80's. I felt like I needed to wear trojans on each of my fingers as I typed. It was as if Angels In America, Philadelphia, and Boogie Nights all had a giant orgy, someone got pregnant, and gave birth to my computer. It was like the machine form of Robert La Bruce's father in Braveheart, seriously. But now I'm back, disease free and cocaine fueled, and I'm ready to help each team find their way out from under the heap of shit and long-term contracts that they've ridden themselves with. Call me The Cleaner, but don't you dare compare me to Benny Bratt. Lets start at the top:
Atlanta Hawks: They have no starting center, no backup point guard, and their bench is thinner than Karen Carpenter. It goes one deep, and that one is Flip Murray. They start a power forward at center and a small forward at power forward. They drafted Marvin Williams over Chris Paul and Deron Williams. They drafted Sheldon Williams over Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, Rudy Gay and Rajon Rondo. They drafted Acie Law over Rodney Stuckey. Yet... still, Billy Knight hasn't been assasinated, and they currently sit 4th in the Eastern Conference playoff picture. They'll get out of the first round, but there's no way they pass up any of the Big 3 in the East, so they have to make a move. It's a buyer's market out there right now, with 75% of the league folding it in and trying to save some money under the banner of "We want to get under for the summer of 2010!" So they have a chance at making a splash. They have a young talent in Marvin Williams. They need a big to battle Big Z and D12 in May. Big Al can only do so much. And Zaza Pachulia fell off the top of the ugly tree and hit every branch along the way. The Hornets are shopping Tyson Chandler. He would compliment Horford perfectly, with Bibby, Joe Johnson and Josh Smith on the perimeter. Marvin Williams, Zaza, and Speedy Claxton for Chandler and Posey would work perfectly. They get a big man who, when healthy, can guard any center in the league, and they get the ultimate playoff, clutch, off-the-bench, does all the little/dirty things, the-next-Robert Horry, glue guy in Posey. They need to make a run now. Cleveland and Orlando are only gonna get better. New Orleans might seriously do this since they'll get Williams and save a ton of coin. (Side note: Wouldn't it be the ultimate revenge if Atlanta were to get Posey and use him to beat Boston in the 2nd round. In last year's epic 1 vs 8 seed matchup, if you were to take him off the Celtics and put him on the Hawks, there's no way Boston wins that series.)
Boston Celtics: Speaking of the champs, remember the stretch when they lost 7 in 9 and everyone jumped off the bandwagon faster than Chris Brown's endorsers. It's a distant memory now, isn't it. They have the most wins in the league heading into the all-star break, and although they haven't appeared as dominant as we seem to imagine them, they're actually 1 game better than they were last year after 55 games. That said, there are chinks. Tony Allen has not stepped into the 6th man role vacated by Posey. Eddie House is another year older and couldn't guard a Fathead of Mo Williams, even if they allowed hand-checking. Leon Powe couldn't score on a Fathead of Mo Williams. And Big Baby Davis just might've eaten Sam Cassell. Plus I've noticed another chink. There seems to be some friction and frustration between Ray Allen and his mates. Pierce is constantly yelling at him. Rivers too. I've even see Rondo snap at him a couple times, yelling at him to get back on D. Bottom line: as long as he can stretch the floor and showcase that arrousingly smooth J, he's a valuable piece to a championship calibur team. But I'm getting the feeling Rondo has taken his spot as the third member of the Boston Three Party. They don't need to make any moves now, but they'll snatch up a vet or two come March or April. Maybe a Joe Smith or Stephan Poisonbury perhaps.
Charlotte Bobcats: In the words of Neil McCauley: If you want be making moves on the street, allow nothing in your life that you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you spot the heat around the corner. Well, the 'Cats have spotted the heat in the form of a pissed off and embarrassed 6' 6'' black man named MJ, and they're makin' moves. Since this season started, they've made 6 transactions, more than any other team. MJ is doing the one thing Isiah shoulda done, and that thing is to trust Larry Brown, who is notorious for liking every player in the league except the ones on his own team. If Coach Brown were to get married to a woman who already has young kids, he'd trade them away for teenagers. Whatever Larry wants, he's getting though. You want a defensive minded 2 and a power forward who isn't 70 lbs overweight like Sean May? Fine. Goodbye, J-Rich. Hello, Raja and Boris. You want a veteran swingman who can spread the floor? Fine. Goodbye, Adam Morrison. Hello, Vlady. You want a veteran backup center. Fine. Goodbye, Matt Carroll. Hello, Desagana. (Sidenote: the 4 centers on the team are named Nazr, Emeka, Alexis, and Desagana. Whatever happened to Jimmy, or Bill, or maybe Chris, or a Steve perhaps?) Expect them to trade Ray Felton and then chillout for the rest of the year, get a lottery pick, go after a stud power forward in the draft, and then trade him before the season starts.
Chicago Bulls: Let me just say this - Just because you were an intelligent and successful basketball player, it does NOT alone make you an eligible candidate for a front office job, particularly one of such importance as General Manager. These positions are supposed to go to people with business degrees and finance degrees. Wall Street types who can follow trends and crunch numbers and analyze data. They don't have to be good scouts. They don't have to be able to recognize talent. You just have to be able to run an organization, just like you would a business.
Perhaps Pax ain't cut out for this. We've seen it before, former players getting in over their head, falling in love with their draft picks and not willing to swallow their pride: Elgin Baylor, Kevin McHale, Larry Bird, Isiah Thomas, Steve Kerr (too early to tell maybe, but still...). These are all smart people, but I'd trust them more to coach than I would to run a business. That said, Pax still can salvage this thing. It depends on if he swallows his pride and makes the Suns the offer for Amare. Him and Kerr are boys. Kerr's hangin' out by the phone waiting. I know Pax is sitting in his office, watching the Bulls on his big screen plasma with his macbook on his lap. On the screen it reads "Tyrus Thomas, Drew Gooden, Thabo Sefelosha, Cedric Simmons for Amare Stoudemire, Alondo Tucker" and he's about to hit that "SUBMIT TRADE" tab the next time Tyrus jacks up a running left-handed brick.
But then Tyrus drives to the hoop and gets fouled and hits both free throws. And then he successfully D's up Dirk. And then he makes a great help-side play by coming over and blocking a shot into the 5th row. And then he hits an elbow jumper off a pick and pop with Rose. And the cursor on the screen slowly inches away from the button. Pax, if you ever read this, a word of advice: In any trade, the team that gets the best player in the deal 99% of the time wins the trade and is better off. I love Ty. Anyone who knows the game knows he'll be a stud. In two years he'll be averaging 15 ppg with 9 rbs and 3 blks and 2 stls. But he won't be averaging the 27 and 10 that Amare will get you. If you can get Amare without giving up Thomas, then try. If not, you gotta bite the bullet. (Side note: same goes with Chris Bosh, though I'd rather see the Bulls trade Deng than Thomas. Parker would probably have to be thrown into the deal, which would be great. He's a Chicago guy. We'd give them Deng, Gooden's ex-tract, Thabo and our 1st rnd pick. We'd get Bosh and Parker's ex-tract. The Bulls would run out Rose, Gordon, Parker, Thomas and Bosh. And they'd have Kirk, Noc, and Noah off the bench. Not bad.)
Cleveland Caveliers: Last year at this time I declared, on this very site, that Danny Ferry NEEDED to make drastic moves (like get a stud point guard) and that everyone on his team, including the starters, should be tradeable. Since that day, he traded his starting shooting guard (Larry Hughes) and starting power forward (Drew Gooden) and made what has turned out to be the most important off-season move in the league by trading for Mo Wil. Behind Devin Harris, is there a point guard in the East playing better than him right now? As soon as that trade happened I predicted a repeat of the '07 finals - Spurs vs Cavs. And this time, the outcome may very likely be different. However, there could be a tinker or two still left to be done. Ferry offered the Suns a deal for Amare involving Wally's expiring contract, J.J. Hickson and a draft pick, but Kerr shot it down. If I'm Ferry though, I don't give up quite yet. Though Stoudemire might be out of reach, Jason Richardson may still be had with Sarver wanting to drop payroll. Does Ferry really think Delonte West is the answer at the 2? Can he guard the Joe Johnsons and Ray Allens of the East? Richardson could probably be gotten for Wally and Hickson. And as much as I see Hickson as an all-star power forward in three years, it's worth going after J-Rich. On the flip side, if the Suns decide their fire-sale is all hype and their players are not touchable, then a Wally for Brad Miller trade will immediately put the Cavs in the driver's seat in the East. You can never have too many big men who can shoot in the playoffs, and the Cavs are a team already built for a finals run. If I'm Boston, or any team in the West, Cleveland is the team I am most worried about, by far.
Dallas Mavericks: Remember the scene in the Godfather when Tom Hagen informs Vito that is was Michael that killed Sollozzo, prompting a very weak and tired Godfather to wave everyone out of the room in disgust. That is the reaction I had when I had heard Cuban had traded Devin Harris for Jason Kidd. It so disappointed me. It signaled the official end of the glorious Mavericks run. Imagine a lineup of Harris, Terry, Howard, Bass, and Nowitzki. Plus they'd have the option of trading an unpopular Howard and Jerry Stackhouse's contract for a Vince Carter, or maybe even a Chris Bosh. Even though they made the right move in hiring Carlisle, who does he have left to coach? Kidd is a terrific leader and one of the smartest in the game, but he's no longer a top ten point guard. Dampier is perhaps the worst starting center in basketball. Stack is done. Antoine Wright sucks. Howard is the least popular man in Dallas outside of maybe Lee Harvey Oswald. Plus, I guarantee Cuban has ordered Carlisle to limit Brandon Bass's minutes so as to not raise the free agent's price. It's so blatent and it sickens me that no one talks about it. Dirk and Jet have nothing to really play for anymore. They've gone through 3 coaches in 4 years, they're in their prime, having one of the best seasons of their careers and its all for nothing. Sad. Amazing what one trade can do to a franchise.
Denver Nuggets: I repeat, it's amazing what one trade can do to a franchise. Currently sitting 3rd in a still very competitive Western Conference, would anyone have guessed they'd be this good? This offseason there were reports of George Karl resigning and of trading Nene, K-Mart, J.R. Smith, Kleiza, and even Carmelo. Chauncey is like the Clooney to Carmelo's Pitt in Ocean's 11. Chauncey is the idea man while Carmelo is the star. They're gonna be trouble for some teams in the playoffs, and now that Carmelo was snubbed in the all-star game... oh man, think of him as Joe Pesci and all of the coaches in the Western Conference just told him to get his shinebox.
Detroit Pistons: I'm sensing a trend: It's amazing what one trade can do to a franchise!! Coach John Wooden, in an interview recently, said, "I absolutely cannot stand watching that guy play." Now, I'm not going to tell you who he was referring to. I'll let you guess. But he's the same guy that we know REFUSED to go to the bench and forced Rip Hamilton (the starting shooting guard since he was traded to Detroit) into a 6th man role. Detroit is more likely to replace Joe Dumars with Isiah Thomas than they will be in getting a free agent to come to the most economically depressing city in the country. It's somewhat ironic the main guy they're pursuing is the same guy Joe D passed up (Chris Bosh) back in '02. They need to trade for Amare if possible, using 'Sheed's contract and future bust Amir Johnson as bait. Or they just need to start unloading and rebuild around Stuckey and Rip. I'd strongly consider selling on Tayshaun "Stretch Armstrong" Prince now. He's vastly overrated and perhaps Portland would take a flyer on him for Rodriguez and Outlaw with Raef's ex-tract. And another thing: why the hell does Rip Hamilton still wear that mask?!?! I wore it for a year in high school and got made fun of every day. He can't possibly play better WITH it rather than WITHOUT it. Hasn't it been like 4 years since he broke his nose? Is it really still a risk? This guy must have bones like Samual L. Jackson in Unbreakable!
Golden State Warriors: Sometimes, when I'm sitting on my lobsided bed in my ant infested bedroom in my delapidated apartment while holding an empty pack of parliaments in one hand and a bank statement that has a red number reading "$-127.84" at the bottom of it and I'm running late for work and my car has been on E for over a week, I think to myself, "At least I don't work for the Warriors." Lightning struck when The Baron found his way to San Fran and met Don Nelson. The fans were packing the house. They were on cable every week. Every team in the league not from San Antonio wanted to play like them. They had it all, and then, somehow, they managed to screw it all up. It's like the mafia in Casino. Don Nelson is Sam Rothstein. Baron Davis was Nicky Santoro. And Chris Mullin was Kevin Pollack, the guy who on the surface was in charge, but actually had nothing to do with the day to day running of the team and Nelson was really calling all the shots. Chris Mullin has the least amount of power any GM could possibly have. He literally has no say in the team's operations. He's like Little Carmine from The Sopranos. He's the boss, but no one listens to him and he's generally laughed at. It's amazing to me how Chris Mullin and Don Nelson could hate each other so much when the two brought the best out of each other when Mullie was playing for Nellie. Imagine if Phil Jackson was the coach and Scottie Pippen was the GM of the team and Phil was trying to get him fired. Can you even picture it? It's just so bizarre.
Houston Rockets: I feel like if I were to walk in on a Houston Rockets practice facility. I'd see Ron Artest and Skip-to-my-Lou trying to teach Luis Scola how to rap, T-Mac smoking weed while sitting in jacuzzi trying to loosen up his 16 pulled mustles, Chuck Hayes and Shane Battier betting on who could set a better screen, Brent Barry and Dikembe Mutombo showing each other pictures of their grandchildren, while Yao Ming is watching all of this and saying to himself, "Yup, 2010, that's the year. I'm getting the fuck outta here." Poor Rick Adelman. I give him credit for keeping them competitive for this long. But this experiment is over. They probably shouldn't bother trying to make any move before the deadline. I guess they should give this group at least one try in the playoffs. But after that, some things are going to have to change.
Indiana Pacers: Back in '06, Luol Deng and Danny Granger were both very similar players with similar games. They were about 6' 8", long, athletic, young, bashful small forwards that had the ability to slash but tended to settle too often for the long jumper. I remember thinking that if only Granger had a chance to play on a young, up and coming team like the Bulls, oh boy, what a player he'd become. I remember also thinking Michael Richards was destined to have a very successful post-Seinfeld career. But what can Larry Legend do? Yes... we know Tinsley is available. We get it. But who wants a short, stocky, unathletic point guard who can't shoot? He's like Khalid El-Amin with a head band and a criminal record. Perhaps Orlando after losing J. Nelson. Or maybe Boston if the Knicks don't release Poisonbury.
Los Angeles Clippers: I fucking HATE Mike Dunleavy. Fuck that asshole. I fucking hate him. Only in the shittiest of worlds would this guy be given the right to coach other human beings and to manage a professional basketball organization. Being out in Los Angeles for well over a year now, I've been able to witness what a disgrace he is to the league. Imagine you're a teacher, and your subject is nuclear physics. But you've never studied nuclear physics your whole life and you actually failed your Calculus class twice in high school and once more in college. You have no idea what you're doing. Plus, the students you teach are all majors in nuclear physics, know 10 times more about the subject than you, and laugh at everything you say whenever you say it. On top of that, the Board of Education just fired the dean, the one who hired you, and has now made you the new dean. You are in charge of everything, and you have no clue what you're doing. The horseshoe up Dunleavy's ass is bigger than anything Secretariot ever wore. Either that, or he has pictures of Donald Sterling with teenage russian prostitutes covered in feces that would make the girls in the infamous "2 Girls and a Cup" video blush. His ENTIRE team hates him. Nobody listens to a word he says. Yet he stands up, stalking up and down the sideline, barking out orders to Baron and Camby and Thornton, while his team is down by 20+, and he expects them to listen!!!! The other day, the Clip were down by 2 in the closing seconds. Dunleavy was yelling at Baron Davis as he was bring the ball up the court. He was waving his hands trying to call out a play. Davis saw him. In the replay, you can tell, Davis saw Dunleavy and heard what he said. Then he turned back, looked at his defender, then at the hoop, and then jacked up a 25 footer that went in. Clippers win. He didn't give a shit what Dunleavy called. I'm telling you, we will witness the first on-court assasination eventually if Davis isn't traded from this team. (side note: expect Kaman in a Bulls uniform in the next few days if they can unload Davis because then they're going to want Hinrich.)
Los Angeles Lakers: We all know there is a difference between the Best player, the Physically Most Talented player, and the true MVP. Lebron James has been the MVP so far this year. And there is little question that he's the Physically Most Talented player. But the Best player in the league is still Kobe. How do you define it - the Best Player? If you could pick ONE player to start your team with in order to win a championship THIS year (not for the future and contract sizes don't matter), you pick Kobe first, bar none. He's having another terrific year, and playing with a mangled finger to boot. After the loss of Bynum, if they could add one more big, they should try. But let me just mention this: It would epitomize all that is wrong with the world if Kupcheck trades Lamar Odom and his ex-tract for dominant big man. Lamar kept silent when he was not offered an extension. He kept silent when Phil decided to start the less talented Bynum over him. He kept silent when he was moved to the bench and his minutes and shots drastically decreased. He did this for the good of the team and in order to win a championship. If they trade him now, I will root against them for the remainder of the year. If they trade Lamar Odom, it will, once again, prove that money is the only thing that matters and that players should look out for themselves first and team second because the team is certainly not looking out for them.
Memphis Grizzlies: They just turned down a Rudy Gay, Hakim Warrick, and Mike Conley Jr. for Amare deal, and rightfully so. Amare plus Mayo doesn't equal shit in the West. They still have Lowry and Warrick as legitimate trade bait. And Conley Jr. is quickly becoming that as well. They've contemplated going after a swingman (J-Rich) and moving Mayo to the 1, which would be like going to a ballgame and spending the whole time at the concession stand. They drafted him to be their shooting guard! Why change him into something he's not? They did the same thing with Drew Gooden years ago when they tried to mold him into a small forward. And they did it to Rudy Gay last year in trying to change him into a 4. If they didn't want Mayo then they shouldn't have traded Kevin Love and kept the comedically ripe Gay-Love tandem in Memphis. (side note: Oh God, could you imagine how hard it would have been for sports journalists in that city had that trade not gone through?! They would have had GLAAD watching them like hawks, just waiting for the first appearance of the title of a newspaper article like "Gay-Love dominates again!" or "Gay-Love Stands Out" or "Gay-Love Takes it to the Heat.")They need a veteran point who can distribute and delegate and break up the fights between Gay and Mayo as they argue over who is allowed to shoot more. Maybe a Luke Ridnour for Warrick and Greg Buckner perhaps. But Conley Jr. is nowhere near ready to play in the league.
Miami Heat: Shawn Marion outta take a shit and then give himself a swirly. Two years ago he was playing for one of the best point guards of all time and in the most appealing system an NBA player could ever dream of playing in and for a coach that will go down in history as one of the most influencial minds on the game. Today, he's playing in Canada for some guy name Triano. Riley has come out and said his biggest nightmare would be to see D.Wade walk. Drafting Beasley and his notorious 23 man posse filled with drug dealers, criminals, and Kansas State students, won't help. They should have taken Mayo. Expect them to make a serious run at Chris Bosh in the summer of 2010.
Milwaukee Bucks: As soon as the Klansman Scott Skiles starts Sessions over his beloved Luke Ridnour, they'll be better off. It's absurd that Ridnour held onto his starting job as long as he did. The NAACP better start looking into the identiy of the Grand Wizard and if he currently resides in Milwaukee. (Seriously, Coach Skiles is severly racist. It will eventually come out. Remember you heard it here first.) Anyways, this team has more people on the shelf than the barracks at Aushwitz. I think they only dressed like 7 guys in their last game. They need to get healthy. And then they'll need to find a new home for Michael Redd Rover. Get some picks for him. Continue to rebuild.
Minnesota Timberwolves: Remember how I mentioned earlier that former players don't make good GMs but could make for good coaches. Case in point: Kevin McHale. As soon as he started calling out the plays, they immediately starting turning things around. He sat Rashad Mccants, moved Foye to the 2 and inserted Telfair to the point. And things began to run smoothly. The Kevin Love - Al Jefferson tandem was the best white on black combo since Klum started banging Seal, that is until Big Al's knee exploded. I'm telling you this team is cursed. I'm convinced Garnett has a Kevin Mchale voodoo doll hidden somewhere in his locker that he likes to stab on occasion. Nothing they can do now except wait for Jefferson to get healthy, make another lottery pick (perhaps the kid from Wake, Amino. He'd be the perfect small forward for this team.), and hope then hope Brian Cardinal loses his knee pads, misses the team plane, and they're forced to suspend him for the year.
New Jersey Nets: They're trying to rid themselves of Vince Carter's contract more than DeNiro tried to rid himself of Waingro in Heat. (Yes, I watched it the other night and it's on my mind throughout this thing. That film doesn't age. And that cast - from Jon Voight to Natalie Portman, from Bubba to Buffalo Bill, very underrated.) Expect video footage to appear courtside after practice of Vince Carter grabbing his knee and crying out in agony, "Why!?!?!? Why?!?!?!?! Why!?!?!?!" a la Nancy Kerrigan. If this guy survives the trade deadline I'm changing his nickname from "Half-Man, Half-Amazin'" to "Chris Angel." It's Devin Harris's and Brook Lopez's team now. Carter is a bystander. I've heard rumors of a deal to the Spurs and also the Rockets for T-Mac. How strange would it be to see Carter traded for a decrepic Tracy McGrady, his cousin, almost ten years after McGrady was forced out of Toronto because he was taking too many shots away from Carter? David Stern works in mysterious ways.
New Orleans Hornets: They're shopping Chandler around like Harvey Weinstein did with The Reader during award season. (side note: the biggest travesty in the movie world is that Dark Knight wasn't nominated for a best picture oscar and The Reader was. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.) They'll eventually get a taker. I read a rumor he was going to Ok City for Joe "I've now officially played with every team in the NBA" Smith and Chris Wilcox. I get it, but they could do better. Going after Marvin Williams from Atlanta, as I mentioned earlier. Plus you move Chandler to an Eastern Conference team so he doesn't come back to bite you. CP3 is a God, but as long as this team's 2 and 3 go-to guys are David West and Peja, they're going nowhere. They need a legit all-star. Would have like to see Vincanity work his way here.
New York Knicks: D'Antoni has turned Chris Duhon into a starting NBA point guard and a fearless leader on the highest scoring team in the league. In other news, Manhattan has had an unexpected climb in DUI's in recent months. Rumor is D'Antoni is turning water into wine. He is a miracle worker. The Knicks have probably the least amount of talent of anyone in the Eastern Conference outside of maybe Washington. And the Miracle Man has them just around 500%. Imagine what he'll do when he gets Lebron and Amare in two years! Other than hold onto David Lee, and releasing Poisonbury, they should consider mailing in some games to lock up a high lottery pick. I love Jrue Holiday for them. Or even better, Ricky Rubio. Euro style coach D'Antoni meets greatest Euro style guard since Petrovic. I'm aroused.
Orlando Magic: Coach of the Year, Ron Jeremy. Howard is a legitimate MVP candidate for the first time of his career. And Jameer Nelson, before he went down with injury, was the Most Improved Player of the Year. What does it say about Van Gundy that consecutive MIPs would be coached by him? They may have to make one final play for a point guard to replace Nelson (Hinrich perhaps? You'd have to give up Reddick, Anthony Johnson, and maybe Cook to make the salaries work, but it's worth it, particularly with Hinrich's declining contract.), but this team is set up for the next five or six years. Expect a lot of Eastern Conference Finals between the Magic and the Lebrons (whether that's in Cleveland or New York).
Philadelphia 76ers: In the words of Lynyrd Skynyrd, listen closely to what I say here: Anyone that says the words "The 76ers or better off without Elton Brand," is just plain stupid. Never acknowledge their opinion again. Even if they tell you something that's totally true, like "Grass is green," you have to take that with a grain of salt and go outside with your crayola box and start comparing colors. Here's the common misconception. Just because you have a player that prefers to play in the post, doesn't mean he can't also play run and gun. The Suns stupidly thought that with Shaq and now look at them. Great players adapt. They're great in any system. They're all like big Dirk Digglers. "I can fuck fast. I can fuck slow. I can fuck hard. Whatever the girl wants." Elton Brand can get 20 and 10 playing uptempo. Be patient with him. And don't trade Andre Miller. Why is this guy always on the trade block? Great point guards are hard to find. Can't you see why so many teams are in the hunt for one! You've got one! Don't trade him away.
Phoenix Suns: Where do I begin? Gentry's hire? No. Porter's firing? No. Putting Amare on the block? No. The trade for J-Rich? No. D'Antoni's firing? Maybe. The trade for the Deisel? Nope. I'll start with how Sarver traded away draft pick after draft pick just to save money. They didn't replenish their team. Look at the Spurs. They first won with Robinson, Duncan, Elliot, and Avery Johnson. Then they replenished themselves with Parker, Ginobli, Finley, and Horry. Now they've done it again with Roger Mason Jr. and George Hill. You have to be constantly rebuilding, even when you're not. The Suns didn't do that in order to save money. And now they're older and without a direction.
I look at this team the same way I look at the Kings from earlier this decade. They became so frustrated with always getting so close and failing that they tried to prematurely rebuild and now they're stuck at the bottom of the league. They could have made one or two more runs with Bibby, Webber, Peja and with sTurkoglu and Gerald Wallace waiting in the wings. Steve Kerr tried to prematurely rebuild by firing D'Antoni. They were sooooooo close the last few years. (Could Robert Horry's hipcheck single-handedly lead to the downfall of the Suns?) I don't want to believe that. They went 15 and 3 in the last 18 games of the year last year, when D'Antoni was coaching them and they were running and gunning and playing their 7 Seconds or Less basketball. If not for the double overtime Tim Duncan 3 pointer game, who knows how far they could have gone in last years playoffs? Im convinced the Spurs are the only team that could have beaten that Suns team. But the point is - it was working. D'Antoni was able to integrate Shaq into his SSOL offense. (It is possible to play uptempo with a dominant post player. The Lakers won 5 chips in the 80s doing it.) This year was going to be their year. Nash in his final year as an elite point guard. Grant Hill on his last legs as a productive small forward. Amare and Barbosa entering their primes. Shaq the final piece - the inside presense they had lacked over the years. And D'Antoni as the orchestrator of the whole thing.
I'm not sure what happened that caused Kerr to think he HAD to fire D'Antoni. But that was the first mistake. Not the trade for Shaq. Plus it didn't help that Kerr hired Porter, who I think is a real good coach, just not for a team stocked with veterans. They should have went immediately with Gentry. (In the long run, I don't think Porter's firing was justified. They're only 3 1/2 games out of the 4th spot in the West. He and Kerr will get most of the blame. But they really weren't playing that poorly.) But now they're making another drastic midseason move in consecutive seasons, and I wonder, what if? My prediction: they make the playoffs and give someone fits in the first round. Maybe they even steal a series. But there's not enough time for them to build the chemistry capable of beating San Antone or L.A. in a 7 game series. I expect them to play much better under Gentry, but it's a case of too little, too late.
Portland Trailblazers: Remember the scene from The Simpsons where the family is driving in the car and in the back Lisa and Bart keeping asking, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" and Homer keeps responding "No. No. No." That's what's happening with the Blazers. Everyone's flipping their shit because they're not dominating night in and night out. But they're sitting at 4th in the still competitive Western Conference. They have an emerging superstar in Roy, a terrific young power forward in Aldridge, and a future dominant center in chameleon Greg Oden who, as long as he stays healthy, will be an all-star for many years in this league. Yet everyone's bitching. "Greg Oden is too sensitive." "Aldridge has no heart." "They have no small forward." "Rudy Fernandez gave me chlymidia." Yes, it's true Oden needs to turn off Terms of Endearment and watch an all day marathon of Bond on Spike TV. Yes, it's true Aldridge needs to find the real Rudy Rudiger and become his friend. Yes, it's true Travis Outlaw hasn't grabbed the 3-spot for his own even with Martel Webster missing nearly the entire season. Yes, it's true we haven't seen a person sexually burst onto the scene in one city the way Rudy Fernandez has in Portland since Warren Beauty started painting L.A. red after Bonnie and Clyde came out. But despite all of this, they really are poised to make a legitimate run in the playoffs this year. And what no one is talking about, but something that is really quite incredible, is that they don't need to rely on Oden at all. He can participate and help in spurts. But for the most part, as of today, he is the 6th or 7th most important player on this team behind Roy, Aldridge, Outlaw, Blake, Rudy, and Pryzbilla. This is all a learning experience for him. As long as he's healthy, he will be a monster in this league.
But, anyway, I stopped doing drugs long enough to save up to buy a new laptop. The old cpu had more viruses than Manhattan in the mid-'80's. I felt like I needed to wear trojans on each of my fingers as I typed. It was as if Angels In America, Philadelphia, and Boogie Nights all had a giant orgy, someone got pregnant, and gave birth to my computer. It was like the machine form of Robert La Bruce's father in Braveheart, seriously. But now I'm back, disease free and cocaine fueled, and I'm ready to help each team find their way out from under the heap of shit and long-term contracts that they've ridden themselves with. Call me The Cleaner, but don't you dare compare me to Benny Bratt. Lets start at the top:
Atlanta Hawks: They have no starting center, no backup point guard, and their bench is thinner than Karen Carpenter. It goes one deep, and that one is Flip Murray. They start a power forward at center and a small forward at power forward. They drafted Marvin Williams over Chris Paul and Deron Williams. They drafted Sheldon Williams over Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, Rudy Gay and Rajon Rondo. They drafted Acie Law over Rodney Stuckey. Yet... still, Billy Knight hasn't been assasinated, and they currently sit 4th in the Eastern Conference playoff picture. They'll get out of the first round, but there's no way they pass up any of the Big 3 in the East, so they have to make a move. It's a buyer's market out there right now, with 75% of the league folding it in and trying to save some money under the banner of "We want to get under for the summer of 2010!" So they have a chance at making a splash. They have a young talent in Marvin Williams. They need a big to battle Big Z and D12 in May. Big Al can only do so much. And Zaza Pachulia fell off the top of the ugly tree and hit every branch along the way. The Hornets are shopping Tyson Chandler. He would compliment Horford perfectly, with Bibby, Joe Johnson and Josh Smith on the perimeter. Marvin Williams, Zaza, and Speedy Claxton for Chandler and Posey would work perfectly. They get a big man who, when healthy, can guard any center in the league, and they get the ultimate playoff, clutch, off-the-bench, does all the little/dirty things, the-next-Robert Horry, glue guy in Posey. They need to make a run now. Cleveland and Orlando are only gonna get better. New Orleans might seriously do this since they'll get Williams and save a ton of coin. (Side note: Wouldn't it be the ultimate revenge if Atlanta were to get Posey and use him to beat Boston in the 2nd round. In last year's epic 1 vs 8 seed matchup, if you were to take him off the Celtics and put him on the Hawks, there's no way Boston wins that series.)
Boston Celtics: Speaking of the champs, remember the stretch when they lost 7 in 9 and everyone jumped off the bandwagon faster than Chris Brown's endorsers. It's a distant memory now, isn't it. They have the most wins in the league heading into the all-star break, and although they haven't appeared as dominant as we seem to imagine them, they're actually 1 game better than they were last year after 55 games. That said, there are chinks. Tony Allen has not stepped into the 6th man role vacated by Posey. Eddie House is another year older and couldn't guard a Fathead of Mo Williams, even if they allowed hand-checking. Leon Powe couldn't score on a Fathead of Mo Williams. And Big Baby Davis just might've eaten Sam Cassell. Plus I've noticed another chink. There seems to be some friction and frustration between Ray Allen and his mates. Pierce is constantly yelling at him. Rivers too. I've even see Rondo snap at him a couple times, yelling at him to get back on D. Bottom line: as long as he can stretch the floor and showcase that arrousingly smooth J, he's a valuable piece to a championship calibur team. But I'm getting the feeling Rondo has taken his spot as the third member of the Boston Three Party. They don't need to make any moves now, but they'll snatch up a vet or two come March or April. Maybe a Joe Smith or Stephan Poisonbury perhaps.
Charlotte Bobcats: In the words of Neil McCauley: If you want be making moves on the street, allow nothing in your life that you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you spot the heat around the corner. Well, the 'Cats have spotted the heat in the form of a pissed off and embarrassed 6' 6'' black man named MJ, and they're makin' moves. Since this season started, they've made 6 transactions, more than any other team. MJ is doing the one thing Isiah shoulda done, and that thing is to trust Larry Brown, who is notorious for liking every player in the league except the ones on his own team. If Coach Brown were to get married to a woman who already has young kids, he'd trade them away for teenagers. Whatever Larry wants, he's getting though. You want a defensive minded 2 and a power forward who isn't 70 lbs overweight like Sean May? Fine. Goodbye, J-Rich. Hello, Raja and Boris. You want a veteran swingman who can spread the floor? Fine. Goodbye, Adam Morrison. Hello, Vlady. You want a veteran backup center. Fine. Goodbye, Matt Carroll. Hello, Desagana. (Sidenote: the 4 centers on the team are named Nazr, Emeka, Alexis, and Desagana. Whatever happened to Jimmy, or Bill, or maybe Chris, or a Steve perhaps?) Expect them to trade Ray Felton and then chillout for the rest of the year, get a lottery pick, go after a stud power forward in the draft, and then trade him before the season starts.
Chicago Bulls: Let me just say this - Just because you were an intelligent and successful basketball player, it does NOT alone make you an eligible candidate for a front office job, particularly one of such importance as General Manager. These positions are supposed to go to people with business degrees and finance degrees. Wall Street types who can follow trends and crunch numbers and analyze data. They don't have to be good scouts. They don't have to be able to recognize talent. You just have to be able to run an organization, just like you would a business.
Perhaps Pax ain't cut out for this. We've seen it before, former players getting in over their head, falling in love with their draft picks and not willing to swallow their pride: Elgin Baylor, Kevin McHale, Larry Bird, Isiah Thomas, Steve Kerr (too early to tell maybe, but still...). These are all smart people, but I'd trust them more to coach than I would to run a business. That said, Pax still can salvage this thing. It depends on if he swallows his pride and makes the Suns the offer for Amare. Him and Kerr are boys. Kerr's hangin' out by the phone waiting. I know Pax is sitting in his office, watching the Bulls on his big screen plasma with his macbook on his lap. On the screen it reads "Tyrus Thomas, Drew Gooden, Thabo Sefelosha, Cedric Simmons for Amare Stoudemire, Alondo Tucker" and he's about to hit that "SUBMIT TRADE" tab the next time Tyrus jacks up a running left-handed brick.
But then Tyrus drives to the hoop and gets fouled and hits both free throws. And then he successfully D's up Dirk. And then he makes a great help-side play by coming over and blocking a shot into the 5th row. And then he hits an elbow jumper off a pick and pop with Rose. And the cursor on the screen slowly inches away from the button. Pax, if you ever read this, a word of advice: In any trade, the team that gets the best player in the deal 99% of the time wins the trade and is better off. I love Ty. Anyone who knows the game knows he'll be a stud. In two years he'll be averaging 15 ppg with 9 rbs and 3 blks and 2 stls. But he won't be averaging the 27 and 10 that Amare will get you. If you can get Amare without giving up Thomas, then try. If not, you gotta bite the bullet. (Side note: same goes with Chris Bosh, though I'd rather see the Bulls trade Deng than Thomas. Parker would probably have to be thrown into the deal, which would be great. He's a Chicago guy. We'd give them Deng, Gooden's ex-tract, Thabo and our 1st rnd pick. We'd get Bosh and Parker's ex-tract. The Bulls would run out Rose, Gordon, Parker, Thomas and Bosh. And they'd have Kirk, Noc, and Noah off the bench. Not bad.)
Cleveland Caveliers: Last year at this time I declared, on this very site, that Danny Ferry NEEDED to make drastic moves (like get a stud point guard) and that everyone on his team, including the starters, should be tradeable. Since that day, he traded his starting shooting guard (Larry Hughes) and starting power forward (Drew Gooden) and made what has turned out to be the most important off-season move in the league by trading for Mo Wil. Behind Devin Harris, is there a point guard in the East playing better than him right now? As soon as that trade happened I predicted a repeat of the '07 finals - Spurs vs Cavs. And this time, the outcome may very likely be different. However, there could be a tinker or two still left to be done. Ferry offered the Suns a deal for Amare involving Wally's expiring contract, J.J. Hickson and a draft pick, but Kerr shot it down. If I'm Ferry though, I don't give up quite yet. Though Stoudemire might be out of reach, Jason Richardson may still be had with Sarver wanting to drop payroll. Does Ferry really think Delonte West is the answer at the 2? Can he guard the Joe Johnsons and Ray Allens of the East? Richardson could probably be gotten for Wally and Hickson. And as much as I see Hickson as an all-star power forward in three years, it's worth going after J-Rich. On the flip side, if the Suns decide their fire-sale is all hype and their players are not touchable, then a Wally for Brad Miller trade will immediately put the Cavs in the driver's seat in the East. You can never have too many big men who can shoot in the playoffs, and the Cavs are a team already built for a finals run. If I'm Boston, or any team in the West, Cleveland is the team I am most worried about, by far.
Dallas Mavericks: Remember the scene in the Godfather when Tom Hagen informs Vito that is was Michael that killed Sollozzo, prompting a very weak and tired Godfather to wave everyone out of the room in disgust. That is the reaction I had when I had heard Cuban had traded Devin Harris for Jason Kidd. It so disappointed me. It signaled the official end of the glorious Mavericks run. Imagine a lineup of Harris, Terry, Howard, Bass, and Nowitzki. Plus they'd have the option of trading an unpopular Howard and Jerry Stackhouse's contract for a Vince Carter, or maybe even a Chris Bosh. Even though they made the right move in hiring Carlisle, who does he have left to coach? Kidd is a terrific leader and one of the smartest in the game, but he's no longer a top ten point guard. Dampier is perhaps the worst starting center in basketball. Stack is done. Antoine Wright sucks. Howard is the least popular man in Dallas outside of maybe Lee Harvey Oswald. Plus, I guarantee Cuban has ordered Carlisle to limit Brandon Bass's minutes so as to not raise the free agent's price. It's so blatent and it sickens me that no one talks about it. Dirk and Jet have nothing to really play for anymore. They've gone through 3 coaches in 4 years, they're in their prime, having one of the best seasons of their careers and its all for nothing. Sad. Amazing what one trade can do to a franchise.
Denver Nuggets: I repeat, it's amazing what one trade can do to a franchise. Currently sitting 3rd in a still very competitive Western Conference, would anyone have guessed they'd be this good? This offseason there were reports of George Karl resigning and of trading Nene, K-Mart, J.R. Smith, Kleiza, and even Carmelo. Chauncey is like the Clooney to Carmelo's Pitt in Ocean's 11. Chauncey is the idea man while Carmelo is the star. They're gonna be trouble for some teams in the playoffs, and now that Carmelo was snubbed in the all-star game... oh man, think of him as Joe Pesci and all of the coaches in the Western Conference just told him to get his shinebox.
Detroit Pistons: I'm sensing a trend: It's amazing what one trade can do to a franchise!! Coach John Wooden, in an interview recently, said, "I absolutely cannot stand watching that guy play." Now, I'm not going to tell you who he was referring to. I'll let you guess. But he's the same guy that we know REFUSED to go to the bench and forced Rip Hamilton (the starting shooting guard since he was traded to Detroit) into a 6th man role. Detroit is more likely to replace Joe Dumars with Isiah Thomas than they will be in getting a free agent to come to the most economically depressing city in the country. It's somewhat ironic the main guy they're pursuing is the same guy Joe D passed up (Chris Bosh) back in '02. They need to trade for Amare if possible, using 'Sheed's contract and future bust Amir Johnson as bait. Or they just need to start unloading and rebuild around Stuckey and Rip. I'd strongly consider selling on Tayshaun "Stretch Armstrong" Prince now. He's vastly overrated and perhaps Portland would take a flyer on him for Rodriguez and Outlaw with Raef's ex-tract. And another thing: why the hell does Rip Hamilton still wear that mask?!?! I wore it for a year in high school and got made fun of every day. He can't possibly play better WITH it rather than WITHOUT it. Hasn't it been like 4 years since he broke his nose? Is it really still a risk? This guy must have bones like Samual L. Jackson in Unbreakable!
Golden State Warriors: Sometimes, when I'm sitting on my lobsided bed in my ant infested bedroom in my delapidated apartment while holding an empty pack of parliaments in one hand and a bank statement that has a red number reading "$-127.84" at the bottom of it and I'm running late for work and my car has been on E for over a week, I think to myself, "At least I don't work for the Warriors." Lightning struck when The Baron found his way to San Fran and met Don Nelson. The fans were packing the house. They were on cable every week. Every team in the league not from San Antonio wanted to play like them. They had it all, and then, somehow, they managed to screw it all up. It's like the mafia in Casino. Don Nelson is Sam Rothstein. Baron Davis was Nicky Santoro. And Chris Mullin was Kevin Pollack, the guy who on the surface was in charge, but actually had nothing to do with the day to day running of the team and Nelson was really calling all the shots. Chris Mullin has the least amount of power any GM could possibly have. He literally has no say in the team's operations. He's like Little Carmine from The Sopranos. He's the boss, but no one listens to him and he's generally laughed at. It's amazing to me how Chris Mullin and Don Nelson could hate each other so much when the two brought the best out of each other when Mullie was playing for Nellie. Imagine if Phil Jackson was the coach and Scottie Pippen was the GM of the team and Phil was trying to get him fired. Can you even picture it? It's just so bizarre.
Houston Rockets: I feel like if I were to walk in on a Houston Rockets practice facility. I'd see Ron Artest and Skip-to-my-Lou trying to teach Luis Scola how to rap, T-Mac smoking weed while sitting in jacuzzi trying to loosen up his 16 pulled mustles, Chuck Hayes and Shane Battier betting on who could set a better screen, Brent Barry and Dikembe Mutombo showing each other pictures of their grandchildren, while Yao Ming is watching all of this and saying to himself, "Yup, 2010, that's the year. I'm getting the fuck outta here." Poor Rick Adelman. I give him credit for keeping them competitive for this long. But this experiment is over. They probably shouldn't bother trying to make any move before the deadline. I guess they should give this group at least one try in the playoffs. But after that, some things are going to have to change.
Indiana Pacers: Back in '06, Luol Deng and Danny Granger were both very similar players with similar games. They were about 6' 8", long, athletic, young, bashful small forwards that had the ability to slash but tended to settle too often for the long jumper. I remember thinking that if only Granger had a chance to play on a young, up and coming team like the Bulls, oh boy, what a player he'd become. I remember also thinking Michael Richards was destined to have a very successful post-Seinfeld career. But what can Larry Legend do? Yes... we know Tinsley is available. We get it. But who wants a short, stocky, unathletic point guard who can't shoot? He's like Khalid El-Amin with a head band and a criminal record. Perhaps Orlando after losing J. Nelson. Or maybe Boston if the Knicks don't release Poisonbury.
Los Angeles Clippers: I fucking HATE Mike Dunleavy. Fuck that asshole. I fucking hate him. Only in the shittiest of worlds would this guy be given the right to coach other human beings and to manage a professional basketball organization. Being out in Los Angeles for well over a year now, I've been able to witness what a disgrace he is to the league. Imagine you're a teacher, and your subject is nuclear physics. But you've never studied nuclear physics your whole life and you actually failed your Calculus class twice in high school and once more in college. You have no idea what you're doing. Plus, the students you teach are all majors in nuclear physics, know 10 times more about the subject than you, and laugh at everything you say whenever you say it. On top of that, the Board of Education just fired the dean, the one who hired you, and has now made you the new dean. You are in charge of everything, and you have no clue what you're doing. The horseshoe up Dunleavy's ass is bigger than anything Secretariot ever wore. Either that, or he has pictures of Donald Sterling with teenage russian prostitutes covered in feces that would make the girls in the infamous "2 Girls and a Cup" video blush. His ENTIRE team hates him. Nobody listens to a word he says. Yet he stands up, stalking up and down the sideline, barking out orders to Baron and Camby and Thornton, while his team is down by 20+, and he expects them to listen!!!! The other day, the Clip were down by 2 in the closing seconds. Dunleavy was yelling at Baron Davis as he was bring the ball up the court. He was waving his hands trying to call out a play. Davis saw him. In the replay, you can tell, Davis saw Dunleavy and heard what he said. Then he turned back, looked at his defender, then at the hoop, and then jacked up a 25 footer that went in. Clippers win. He didn't give a shit what Dunleavy called. I'm telling you, we will witness the first on-court assasination eventually if Davis isn't traded from this team. (side note: expect Kaman in a Bulls uniform in the next few days if they can unload Davis because then they're going to want Hinrich.)
Los Angeles Lakers: We all know there is a difference between the Best player, the Physically Most Talented player, and the true MVP. Lebron James has been the MVP so far this year. And there is little question that he's the Physically Most Talented player. But the Best player in the league is still Kobe. How do you define it - the Best Player? If you could pick ONE player to start your team with in order to win a championship THIS year (not for the future and contract sizes don't matter), you pick Kobe first, bar none. He's having another terrific year, and playing with a mangled finger to boot. After the loss of Bynum, if they could add one more big, they should try. But let me just mention this: It would epitomize all that is wrong with the world if Kupcheck trades Lamar Odom and his ex-tract for dominant big man. Lamar kept silent when he was not offered an extension. He kept silent when Phil decided to start the less talented Bynum over him. He kept silent when he was moved to the bench and his minutes and shots drastically decreased. He did this for the good of the team and in order to win a championship. If they trade him now, I will root against them for the remainder of the year. If they trade Lamar Odom, it will, once again, prove that money is the only thing that matters and that players should look out for themselves first and team second because the team is certainly not looking out for them.
Memphis Grizzlies: They just turned down a Rudy Gay, Hakim Warrick, and Mike Conley Jr. for Amare deal, and rightfully so. Amare plus Mayo doesn't equal shit in the West. They still have Lowry and Warrick as legitimate trade bait. And Conley Jr. is quickly becoming that as well. They've contemplated going after a swingman (J-Rich) and moving Mayo to the 1, which would be like going to a ballgame and spending the whole time at the concession stand. They drafted him to be their shooting guard! Why change him into something he's not? They did the same thing with Drew Gooden years ago when they tried to mold him into a small forward. And they did it to Rudy Gay last year in trying to change him into a 4. If they didn't want Mayo then they shouldn't have traded Kevin Love and kept the comedically ripe Gay-Love tandem in Memphis. (side note: Oh God, could you imagine how hard it would have been for sports journalists in that city had that trade not gone through?! They would have had GLAAD watching them like hawks, just waiting for the first appearance of the title of a newspaper article like "Gay-Love dominates again!" or "Gay-Love Stands Out" or "Gay-Love Takes it to the Heat.")They need a veteran point who can distribute and delegate and break up the fights between Gay and Mayo as they argue over who is allowed to shoot more. Maybe a Luke Ridnour for Warrick and Greg Buckner perhaps. But Conley Jr. is nowhere near ready to play in the league.
Miami Heat: Shawn Marion outta take a shit and then give himself a swirly. Two years ago he was playing for one of the best point guards of all time and in the most appealing system an NBA player could ever dream of playing in and for a coach that will go down in history as one of the most influencial minds on the game. Today, he's playing in Canada for some guy name Triano. Riley has come out and said his biggest nightmare would be to see D.Wade walk. Drafting Beasley and his notorious 23 man posse filled with drug dealers, criminals, and Kansas State students, won't help. They should have taken Mayo. Expect them to make a serious run at Chris Bosh in the summer of 2010.
Milwaukee Bucks: As soon as the Klansman Scott Skiles starts Sessions over his beloved Luke Ridnour, they'll be better off. It's absurd that Ridnour held onto his starting job as long as he did. The NAACP better start looking into the identiy of the Grand Wizard and if he currently resides in Milwaukee. (Seriously, Coach Skiles is severly racist. It will eventually come out. Remember you heard it here first.) Anyways, this team has more people on the shelf than the barracks at Aushwitz. I think they only dressed like 7 guys in their last game. They need to get healthy. And then they'll need to find a new home for Michael Redd Rover. Get some picks for him. Continue to rebuild.
Minnesota Timberwolves: Remember how I mentioned earlier that former players don't make good GMs but could make for good coaches. Case in point: Kevin McHale. As soon as he started calling out the plays, they immediately starting turning things around. He sat Rashad Mccants, moved Foye to the 2 and inserted Telfair to the point. And things began to run smoothly. The Kevin Love - Al Jefferson tandem was the best white on black combo since Klum started banging Seal, that is until Big Al's knee exploded. I'm telling you this team is cursed. I'm convinced Garnett has a Kevin Mchale voodoo doll hidden somewhere in his locker that he likes to stab on occasion. Nothing they can do now except wait for Jefferson to get healthy, make another lottery pick (perhaps the kid from Wake, Amino. He'd be the perfect small forward for this team.), and hope then hope Brian Cardinal loses his knee pads, misses the team plane, and they're forced to suspend him for the year.
New Jersey Nets: They're trying to rid themselves of Vince Carter's contract more than DeNiro tried to rid himself of Waingro in Heat. (Yes, I watched it the other night and it's on my mind throughout this thing. That film doesn't age. And that cast - from Jon Voight to Natalie Portman, from Bubba to Buffalo Bill, very underrated.) Expect video footage to appear courtside after practice of Vince Carter grabbing his knee and crying out in agony, "Why!?!?!? Why?!?!?!?! Why!?!?!?!" a la Nancy Kerrigan. If this guy survives the trade deadline I'm changing his nickname from "Half-Man, Half-Amazin'" to "Chris Angel." It's Devin Harris's and Brook Lopez's team now. Carter is a bystander. I've heard rumors of a deal to the Spurs and also the Rockets for T-Mac. How strange would it be to see Carter traded for a decrepic Tracy McGrady, his cousin, almost ten years after McGrady was forced out of Toronto because he was taking too many shots away from Carter? David Stern works in mysterious ways.
New Orleans Hornets: They're shopping Chandler around like Harvey Weinstein did with The Reader during award season. (side note: the biggest travesty in the movie world is that Dark Knight wasn't nominated for a best picture oscar and The Reader was. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.) They'll eventually get a taker. I read a rumor he was going to Ok City for Joe "I've now officially played with every team in the NBA" Smith and Chris Wilcox. I get it, but they could do better. Going after Marvin Williams from Atlanta, as I mentioned earlier. Plus you move Chandler to an Eastern Conference team so he doesn't come back to bite you. CP3 is a God, but as long as this team's 2 and 3 go-to guys are David West and Peja, they're going nowhere. They need a legit all-star. Would have like to see Vincanity work his way here.
New York Knicks: D'Antoni has turned Chris Duhon into a starting NBA point guard and a fearless leader on the highest scoring team in the league. In other news, Manhattan has had an unexpected climb in DUI's in recent months. Rumor is D'Antoni is turning water into wine. He is a miracle worker. The Knicks have probably the least amount of talent of anyone in the Eastern Conference outside of maybe Washington. And the Miracle Man has them just around 500%. Imagine what he'll do when he gets Lebron and Amare in two years! Other than hold onto David Lee, and releasing Poisonbury, they should consider mailing in some games to lock up a high lottery pick. I love Jrue Holiday for them. Or even better, Ricky Rubio. Euro style coach D'Antoni meets greatest Euro style guard since Petrovic. I'm aroused.
Orlando Magic: Coach of the Year, Ron Jeremy. Howard is a legitimate MVP candidate for the first time of his career. And Jameer Nelson, before he went down with injury, was the Most Improved Player of the Year. What does it say about Van Gundy that consecutive MIPs would be coached by him? They may have to make one final play for a point guard to replace Nelson (Hinrich perhaps? You'd have to give up Reddick, Anthony Johnson, and maybe Cook to make the salaries work, but it's worth it, particularly with Hinrich's declining contract.), but this team is set up for the next five or six years. Expect a lot of Eastern Conference Finals between the Magic and the Lebrons (whether that's in Cleveland or New York).
Philadelphia 76ers: In the words of Lynyrd Skynyrd, listen closely to what I say here: Anyone that says the words "The 76ers or better off without Elton Brand," is just plain stupid. Never acknowledge their opinion again. Even if they tell you something that's totally true, like "Grass is green," you have to take that with a grain of salt and go outside with your crayola box and start comparing colors. Here's the common misconception. Just because you have a player that prefers to play in the post, doesn't mean he can't also play run and gun. The Suns stupidly thought that with Shaq and now look at them. Great players adapt. They're great in any system. They're all like big Dirk Digglers. "I can fuck fast. I can fuck slow. I can fuck hard. Whatever the girl wants." Elton Brand can get 20 and 10 playing uptempo. Be patient with him. And don't trade Andre Miller. Why is this guy always on the trade block? Great point guards are hard to find. Can't you see why so many teams are in the hunt for one! You've got one! Don't trade him away.
Phoenix Suns: Where do I begin? Gentry's hire? No. Porter's firing? No. Putting Amare on the block? No. The trade for J-Rich? No. D'Antoni's firing? Maybe. The trade for the Deisel? Nope. I'll start with how Sarver traded away draft pick after draft pick just to save money. They didn't replenish their team. Look at the Spurs. They first won with Robinson, Duncan, Elliot, and Avery Johnson. Then they replenished themselves with Parker, Ginobli, Finley, and Horry. Now they've done it again with Roger Mason Jr. and George Hill. You have to be constantly rebuilding, even when you're not. The Suns didn't do that in order to save money. And now they're older and without a direction.
I look at this team the same way I look at the Kings from earlier this decade. They became so frustrated with always getting so close and failing that they tried to prematurely rebuild and now they're stuck at the bottom of the league. They could have made one or two more runs with Bibby, Webber, Peja and with sTurkoglu and Gerald Wallace waiting in the wings. Steve Kerr tried to prematurely rebuild by firing D'Antoni. They were sooooooo close the last few years. (Could Robert Horry's hipcheck single-handedly lead to the downfall of the Suns?) I don't want to believe that. They went 15 and 3 in the last 18 games of the year last year, when D'Antoni was coaching them and they were running and gunning and playing their 7 Seconds or Less basketball. If not for the double overtime Tim Duncan 3 pointer game, who knows how far they could have gone in last years playoffs? Im convinced the Spurs are the only team that could have beaten that Suns team. But the point is - it was working. D'Antoni was able to integrate Shaq into his SSOL offense. (It is possible to play uptempo with a dominant post player. The Lakers won 5 chips in the 80s doing it.) This year was going to be their year. Nash in his final year as an elite point guard. Grant Hill on his last legs as a productive small forward. Amare and Barbosa entering their primes. Shaq the final piece - the inside presense they had lacked over the years. And D'Antoni as the orchestrator of the whole thing.
I'm not sure what happened that caused Kerr to think he HAD to fire D'Antoni. But that was the first mistake. Not the trade for Shaq. Plus it didn't help that Kerr hired Porter, who I think is a real good coach, just not for a team stocked with veterans. They should have went immediately with Gentry. (In the long run, I don't think Porter's firing was justified. They're only 3 1/2 games out of the 4th spot in the West. He and Kerr will get most of the blame. But they really weren't playing that poorly.) But now they're making another drastic midseason move in consecutive seasons, and I wonder, what if? My prediction: they make the playoffs and give someone fits in the first round. Maybe they even steal a series. But there's not enough time for them to build the chemistry capable of beating San Antone or L.A. in a 7 game series. I expect them to play much better under Gentry, but it's a case of too little, too late.
Portland Trailblazers: Remember the scene from The Simpsons where the family is driving in the car and in the back Lisa and Bart keeping asking, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" and Homer keeps responding "No. No. No." That's what's happening with the Blazers. Everyone's flipping their shit because they're not dominating night in and night out. But they're sitting at 4th in the still competitive Western Conference. They have an emerging superstar in Roy, a terrific young power forward in Aldridge, and a future dominant center in chameleon Greg Oden who, as long as he stays healthy, will be an all-star for many years in this league. Yet everyone's bitching. "Greg Oden is too sensitive." "Aldridge has no heart." "They have no small forward." "Rudy Fernandez gave me chlymidia." Yes, it's true Oden needs to turn off Terms of Endearment and watch an all day marathon of Bond on Spike TV. Yes, it's true Aldridge needs to find the real Rudy Rudiger and become his friend. Yes, it's true Travis Outlaw hasn't grabbed the 3-spot for his own even with Martel Webster missing nearly the entire season. Yes, it's true we haven't seen a person sexually burst onto the scene in one city the way Rudy Fernandez has in Portland since Warren Beauty started painting L.A. red after Bonnie and Clyde came out. But despite all of this, they really are poised to make a legitimate run in the playoffs this year. And what no one is talking about, but something that is really quite incredible, is that they don't need to rely on Oden at all. He can participate and help in spurts. But for the most part, as of today, he is the 6th or 7th most important player on this team behind Roy, Aldridge, Outlaw, Blake, Rudy, and Pryzbilla. This is all a learning experience for him. As long as he's healthy, he will be a monster in this league.
Sacramento Kings: Man, do you remember how much fun it was to watch a Kings-Lakers game earlier in this decade? Or a Kings-Mavs game? Or a Kings-Wolves game? Or a Kings-Jazz Game. Webber against Dirk or KG or Mailman. Bibby hittin' clutch 3's. Peja knocking down 27 footers. Vlade suffocating his teammates in his armpit hair during every timeout. Oracle Arena was the greatest place to see a game. It was Golden State before Golden State. And now it's all over. They're officially the least talented team in the league. What's worse is their financial situation is pretty poor too. (Rumor has it the Maloof brothers lost a ton during the economic shithole we're in.) No one is trying to unload money as much as them. Expect Brad Miller to be gone soon, probably to an East Coast team like Cleveland or Chicago. John Salmons is as good as gone too, probably to the Thunder. But they're going nowhere anytime soon, which is generally what happens when you sign long term contracts with guys named Beno or Mikki. They'll have the worst record in the league, have a high pick and go after Blake Griffin. But they'll still have no coach, no point guard, a shooting guard with the ugliest shot this side of Bill Cartwright, no small forward, a logjam at power forward, and the least athletic center in Spencer Hawes since Eric Montross. (Side note: C-Webb will go down as one of the most underrated players of all time. When someone lists the top 10 power forwards of all time, they throw around names like Petit, Duncan, Garnett, Barkley, and Karl Malone. Webber is often forgotten. But let me say this: from 2000, after Malone's last MVP in '99, to 2003, there was no better power forward in the game. That includes two Duncan MVP's, the rise of Dirk, Brand, and KG, and the ending of Karl Malone's reign. Webber would ALWAYS win the head to head matchups against these guys. Seriously, always. It's why the Kings always had home court in the playoffs. Everyone forgets this. Honestly, even Duncan and KG, two of the best defensive big men ever, could not stop Webber at his best.)
San Antonio Spurs: I love 'em. My favorite team this side of the Bulls. I'm convinced that Ginobli was playing on just one leg in the playoffs last year. Had they been at full strength, they would have beaten the Lakers and given the Celtics a run for their money. Tony Parker has emerged as the 2nd best point guard behind CP3 (yes, even better than Deron Williams). Roger Mason Jr. has become their Michael Finley and Bruce Bowan, rolled into one. He guards the opposition's best scorer like Bowan but also is a terrific secondary scorer in the mold of Finley. Another terrific signing by Buford. I just hope they don't stand pat. They can turn the sports world on it's head if they trade Finley's ex-tract, Jacque "Stop calling me Vince" Vaughn's ex-tract, Ime Idoku's ex-tract, and maybe Bowan or Bonner for Vince Carter or Rasheed Wallace. They would immediately match the Lakers as the favorites in the West, and maybe even surpass them. They need to make one more move to address their power forward position to put them over the top. (side note: I'm worried that Manu is still playing on only one leg. He has flashes, but something is wrong with him. I wouldn't be surprised to see him sit out a few weeks before the playoffs start.)
Toronto Rapters: Think of what the Charlie "Hairless" Villanueva trade is turning out to be. He went to the Bucks for T.J. "Ouch! My neck!" Ford. Ford was turned into Jermaine "What the hell happened to me?" O'Neal. And now O'Neal is turned into the expiring contract of Shawn Marion, who would rather be Amare Stoudemire's roommate than re-sign with the Rapters. And it all happened within the last two years. As Villanueva continues to develop and T.J. Ford leads the Pacers to a playoff birth, that deal may go down as the most lopsided trade since the Slave Trade. The Raptors are still trying to find takers for Anthony Parker's ex-tract, which any playoff team in need of a solid wing defender who can shoot in the mold of a Raja Bell or a Bruce Bowan should want. Perhaps Cleveland for Wally's ex-tract. But I just had a euphoric idea: How about Bosh and Anthony Parker for Oden, Outlaw, and Raef "the team no longer even lets me on the plane" LaFrentz! Portland gets the other super star it will need to go after a Chip this year. Plus he's young and they'll definitely be able to resign him. So they're solid for now and for the future. Toronto knows they can't win this year so they're playing for the future anyways. And they know they won't be able to re-sign Bosh so they have to at least get something for him while they can. They also know Bargnani will never be strong enough to play the 5 in the NBA and is much better suited to play power forward. They can team him up with Oden, insert Outlaw at the 3, and with Calderon at point, they're set for the next 10 years. God I'm good.
Utah Jazz: Can Carlos Boozer be any more of a prick? He's one of only a handful of guys in the league that will give you 20 and 10 in their sleep, along with Duncan, Howard, Jefferson, and Zach Randolph. Yet, today, we look at him as more similar to Randolph than the other three. He's become a team cancer, and in order to keep it from spreading to the heart (Deron Williams) the Jazz need to go through a little Kemo-therapy in the form of a trade (Walt Whitman doesn't have shit on me.) The Jazz currently sit at 8th in the West, despite playing without their leading scorer practically the entire season, their second leading scorer most of the season, and their best defender, AK-47, for part of the season. They did it with team play, and with the emergence of Paul Millsap. This is my pick for NBA's best second half team. They're going to go on a run now that they have all their horses back. They're one of just a few teams in the league who can realistically take the Lakers in a 7 game series. The others being the Spurs, Magic (if healthy), Celtics, Cavs, and maybe Portland. They have the best home court advantage in the league. They have one of the best point guards in the league. They have a 3-headed big man combo between Millsap, Boozer, and Okur that rivals the Lakers Gasol, Bynum, and Odom. They have a deep bench filled with veterans. They have the ultimate x-factor in Kirilenko, who is one of the few players in the league who can dominate the game without scoring. And they have a fellow hall of fame coach in Sloan who can match wits with the Zen Master. My prediction: they can take the Lakers, but Boozer needs to be huge. If he's a no-show, kiss it goodbye.
Washington Wizards: I had secretly hoped they made Caron Butler available. He'd look great in a Bulls uniform. But they're smarter than I gave them credit for, especially after handing out that insane contract to a one-legged Arenas. Hibachi has no intention of coming back this year and embarrassing himself. They should really consider trading Jamison and getting out from under that contract. The Spurs could use him at the 4-spot. Maybe if they dangle suprising rookie point guard George Hill, plus Bonner and Bowan's contracts, something could be done. Then next year the Wiz could run out Hill at the 1, Arenas at the 2 (where he should be playing anyway), Butler at the 3, Blatche at the 5, and their own lottery pick (likely Greg Monroe from Georgetown) at the 4. Though the trade is waaaaay in the Spurs favor, it makes sense from an economic standpoint for the Wizards. Never, maybe in the history of the league, has the financial situation of the country played such a major role in, not just the day to day activities, but also the large scope of things. Would Clay Bennett be so eager to move the Sonics to Ok City as soon as possible if the economy was better? Wouldn't the Hornets be trying to compete for a Chip this year instead of trying to dump salary? Wouldn't Mark Cuban be waving Stackhouse's ex-tract in people's faces if not for the economy? We've never seen the league like this. It's strange to think that Raef LaFrentz's expiring contract is more valuable than Amare Stoudemire today.
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