Why do we follow sports? There are reasons abound. I can only speak for myself as a sharp-tongued vagabond, but my reasons are as follows:
1. I have little to no talent in just about everything under the red sun. It’s a daily treat surveying the sports world and watching human men do godly things.
B. I am bored constantly. Perhaps I should be reading medical journals or sculpting supple shapes, but being that I have no drive or ambition things of that ilk are very much outside my scope. Sport is comforting and pure. Always delivers excitement and gets the blood flowing hard to my black heart. Something a simpleton like myself can really sink his or her yellow teeth into ya heard me?
3. It gives us fantasy sports, the greatest creation since the cotton gin and the theme of this post. It creates a new world, an opportunity for the critic to build and shape franchises of their own accord. It breeds competition from those incapable of competing on the stages they dreamed of as youths. Yeah this got gay real fast. Moving on...
Solid intro. In pouring my insides out I’ve realized I probably need a fist full of Prozac for the next 50 years, but also I need to get back on track. The purpose of this entry is to talk about my only passion in life. Miley Cyrus comes to mind, but we’ll save that for a later date. Fantasy sports governs all. Three to four hours a day perusing articles, checking injuries, scouring the waiver wire for a piping hot star probably doesn’t do justice. It’s an all day love affair. It’s really quite ridiculous, but what is the alternative? Spouting poetry under a young fern? I’ll pass.
1. Baseball – Nothing better in this world than that first crisp bite of spring air and the anticipation of a live fantasy baseball draft. I feel like a phoenix rising to the heavens. It’s a real commitment, not for the weak or faint of heart. The GM hat is on from January till October. I really wonder how anyone gets up in the morning without checking box scores, sifting through player updates and staring at chiseled mug shots of hot young studs. It would an unholy pursuit to live any other way.
2. Hockey – It is a game made for the sport of fantasy. The challenge lies in scouting for the simple fact hockey is a lost art in the American states. You have to dig deep to fill your dossier of player info, but the trying search gives fantasy hockey its allure. Once again the every day grind scratches me right where I itch. The live draft in October is a wondrous occasion, but building and maintaining a working roster throughout the year, dealing with rookie slumps, shifting lines, cold goalies and suspensions for breaking faces challenges the mind, heart and loins. Passion gives way to obsession fairly quickly. I want a life-size mural of Patrick Kane with skate and stick. Nothing more.
3. Basketball – A solid third place on this list. Perhaps the most frustrating fantasy sport of them all, which in a sense makes it great, but I am an impatient surly youth. I crave results and the general malaise that surrounds the NBA is abundant in the fantasy world. I’ll give an example to further illustrate my irritation. Eric Gordon. Player enters the starting lineup right before Thanksgiving and drops these lines in back to back games. 25 pts. 4 threes. 3 assists. 4 steals, 1 block. Then 24 pts. 4 threes. 5 rebounds. 4 assists. 4 steals. 2 blocks. Wow. I’ve got an MFing star on my hands. Yes and no. Follows up with a 2-7 night with 5 pts. It’s a crushing blow when you live and die with each game. EG has been solid since but I am always petrified of awaking to a god awful line. Now times that by 20 for every player on my roster and you have a ton of grief.
4. Football – Hate it. Won’t play ever again. I have my reasons. They are hard-hitting and on point. But I choose to keep them locked away from you.
